A real comeback will occur only when certain actions are performed by the led partner. It is the follower. And it is he who, in case of separation, determines the fate of the relationship.
Return Kick Scheme
Comeback begins with almost all the separated couples, with the exception of those where the lead partner does not let the leader go, but continues to stick. If the follower calmly released the leader who wants to leave, did it ecologically, beautifully, then, sooner or later, the leader tries to get in touch.
The lead partner tries to assess the condition of the follower without contacting him.
He needs this in order to close gestalt. Yes, people broke up, but they still had doubts, questions, sometimes there was a desire to replay everything and fix it. Moreover, this goal is for the one who is trying to return, and the one to whom they are returning.
The leading partner wants to free himself from the painful guilt for his departure, to make sure that he left for good reason and calm down.
What can he do? Monitor the page on social networks, learn something about the former through friends and the like.
The most correct behavior of an abandoned partner after parting is an informational vacuum.
No need for tearful statuses, sad poems or deliberately funny photos. It is better if the pages on social networks remain the same as the deceased partner saw them the last time.
The goal is to prevent a departed partner from learning something new about you.
He should not understand what state you are in now. What do you think, what are you doing. When the departed partner begins to monitor the situation, he does this in order to make sure that he did everything right, and at the same time make sure that he did not do something “too much”. And his abandoned partner didn’t “take over”.
Without giving him information, the lead partner provokes an imbalance in the picture of the world of the leader. And the leader should remain in imbalance further. If the host sees or learns about how you suffer from it already at this stage, there will be no comeback.
At the same time, as I said, after the breakdown of relations between partners, the energy channel continues to operate. How to work with the channel, I will tell later. But certain actions need to be performed at this stage.
Having not received information, the leading partner goes to indirect contact.
He makes handouts.
“Submission” is a small friendly gesture in your direction: a call, SMS, Like, a comment under your photos or notes, greetings and other romantic nonsense.
The purpose of the “handout” of the presenter is not to return the relationship, but to get rid of your own imbalance.
Therefore, the stupidest thing you can do is to let the lead partner understand something about yourself.
There is no need to respond to “handouts”!
“Giving” is not a timid attempt to bring you back, no. This is just one of the ways to pull the energy channel, get energy and stay at the right place.
Let the lead partner think why you are not responding. You died, you left with a new partner at sea, you go on dates, you quietly whining, locked yourself in the apartment and do not want to see anyone? A lead partner should not know anything about you.
And if he does not know, then even if he himself does not want it, he will think about it. He does not know why you were quiet. And he must remain in the same state further.
Having not received information, the leading partner goes to direct contact.
And again, not in order to start a new relationship with you, but only to clarify for yourself an incomprehensible state. Therefore, the strategy is the same - no information.
No information - this means no information. “Fuck you!”, “I'm fine” - this is also information. Leading very sensitive to such statements. And then he will draw conclusions about your condition, about your attitude to it, confirm some of your inner guesses and leave. He has already made a decision, and just wants to make sure that he is right. So, do not let him be sure.
Not to make sure - this means building a dialogue, all the answers to his questions on the basis of slipping away. Since you could not restrain yourself and not answer. Then you need to elude direct answers, give vague answers, try not to give him any obvious reaction. No consent, no refusal.
In a relationship, you were sticky, even if it seemed like it wasn’t. Throwing out “handouts” the leading partner does not doubt that he will receive an answer, he is waiting for this answer, he does not wait, and this becomes a hook for him. And waiting for an answer is always attention, and attention is energy directed in your direction. Your importance is increasing. And the next stage comes.
Not receiving information, the lead partner attacks.
Attacks from a state of uncertainty. From the feeling that they are playing with him, that he is being rejected. He hooks his own hooks, and can no longer get rid of it. He needs to logically complete the situation, and the former partner does not allow him to do this. The host is angry, and thereby pumps the channel with energy.
In life, this attack usually manifests itself as an invitation to a "conversation", to a date. Remember that there must be a direct request!
Here again, it is important for the led partner not to agree to a veiled invitation, to an “agreement of intent”, thinking up phrases and meanings for the presenter, and falling into illusions. The direct voiced invitation, the only way. Again, it is desirable to apply the principle of escaping, to disagree immediately, but also not to give an explicit refusal.
Often the one who has reached this stage also fails on it. Is relaxing. Relievedly concludes that the departed already regretted that he left. He is bored and must be sure to assure him that this is mutual. Suddenly he wants to return, but is afraid that no one is waiting for him? Led partners immediately conclude that the comeback has taken place, and they will make a proposal to resume relations.
Although usually they are offered friendship. Friendzone. Sometimes friendship and sex.
At the stage of the attack, the lead partner will hear from the host and regret, and words about love, and a note of sadness, and assurances that they were bored. And the slave spreads, takes everything at face value. And the host, although he says that he is bored and loves, but offers nothing. And this does not mean that he is waiting for an offer from you, it means the host is trying to unhook the hooks, and the maximum that he can offer is communication from a distance.
The offer to "talk" is better to refuse. Silently, without explanation. But if you nevertheless have already agreed to a date, then offers of friendship should be refused.
Even if it seems to you that you have calmed down and are ready to be friends. Even if you think that friendship will be useful to you, do not settle for friendship if you were recently abandoned. Otherwise, the leading partner will again become the one to whom you stick, beg, and beg for love. But they do not offer you love, they offer you friendship. The host has not forgotten anything, and understands what you want. But only recently he left this, and is not going to return.
In this case, the less the leading partner will know about your experiences and thoughts, the better. Social networks should still have the same informational vacuum. Any information for a leading partner is an occasion to complete the situation in their favor. As soon as the leading partner makes sure of something, he will draw unambiguous conclusions and disappear.
Therefore, you need to remain silent and not express emotions. Avoidance is also emotion. Better to adhere to the same tactics - slipping away. Neither yes nor no.
The lead partner at this stage is still weak to adequately confront the lead. Usually the follower is still easy to read and predict. But only because he himself gives the key to his leading condition.
Offer START all from scratch. Do not continue in order to pay off some old debts, get rid of guilty feelings, convey something to you and clarify for yourself, namely, START. And not just an offer, but a willingness to convince you of this. And the leader himself is the initiator of a new relationship, without taking this step on you.
Here it is important to understand this. If there is fear that everything will happen again, and you will be abandoned again, then it is better to refuse. Because they will quit. Even more tough and cynical. Because if there is fear, it is again a sticky energy that will take up again.
The slave is still weak, anxious, and in need of guarantees and vows. Leading to that and leading that can leave the relationship when it is required. And the slave is guided by that and is afraid. He is afraid that they will leave again, he is afraid to hurry, he is afraid to destroy everything again, he is afraid, on the contrary, that he is not in time and not so to do and say.
Here you need to understand that if the leader wants to start all over again, he will be able to convince the follower and find a hundred ways to do this. But if he is still not quite sure of this, the active actions of the follower can again break the situation. Therefore, the follower at this stage does not need to take steps towards him, he does not need to fuss and take on the role of ship captain.
Often the followers do not reach the stage of the “Proposal”, breaking the scheme at the stage of the “return hit”.
Because a real comeback happens when the subjective significance of a former led partner grows significantly, when a former leader becomes a stable slave. Or the relationship in a pair is balanced so that both partners become equal in strength rivals.
The lead partner can become equal in strength to the leader only if he:
- be identified
- separated from the host,
- will outline its borders and learn to hold them without merging,
- and also will begin to pump its resources and manifest the ego.
The scheme of this comeback. Let's go over the points.
After the first emotions from the breakup subsided, both the departed partner and the one who was left continue to interact through the energy channel, which remains even after the breakdown.
In 100% of cases, the lead partner continues to pump the channel with his energy, constantly thinking about the situation and dreaming that the departed will return to him.
Going across the facts, not recognizing them, the lead partner is BUILDING PLANS for a joint life and future with a leading partner. The slave is identified with the leader, perceives himself as one with him, as an inseparable being.
Continuing to think and identify with the departed, the follower continues to give energy to the lead partner. And he favorably accepts her. That’s why, after one parting, “things are going uphill,” and the other is in a dire psychological condition.
Therefore, at the first stage, immediately after parting, the main thing is to get identified.
Accepting the fact that non-reciprocal love is normal, it happens to everyone, and to you too, and this does not mean that you are somehow not like that, it means that a person needs something else.
Accept the fact that there will not be a life together - precisely with this person - will not.
Understand that you and he are two DIFFERENT people whose ALREADY ended their joint story.
To understand that the main thing that needs to be done in a situation of a break in relations is to maintain self-esteem and make respect to force yourself to respect the one who left you.
You can respect a person who does not humiliate himself and does not immediately begin to talk abundantly about what tormented him in a relationship, explain some of his actions, blame the host or try to show him that he is right that he abandoned him. You can respect a person who adequately holds a blow, and parting is always a blow for a driven partner.
You can respect a person who does not throw like a dog on a bone, at the very first desire of the leader to probe the soil. There is nothing surprising in the fact that the departed wants to part humanly, preferably in friendship. But this does not mean that he immediately needs to be taken again by the throat, pulled back and loaded with your emotions.
You can respect a person who does not twitch. Which does not answer extensively about how he feels after breaking into the banal "How are you?" Which got rid of when he was told to get rid of.
You can respect a person who clearly understands that in this story, at this stage, he lost. To a stronger opponent. That he was abandoned was declared unfit and unnecessary. BUT this is not fatal! This can be corrected if one does not fall into illusions. If you do not get stuck in a situation tightly.
You can respect a person who understands that the partner has left and you need to get rid of his image by any means. Otherwise, such “love” will keep him under the baseboard for a long time.
Imagine yourself in such a situation. You lived for yourself ... for eleven years, and here an incomprehensible process grows in you, which cannot be eliminated. He is constantly with you, he is in the way, and you feel how he is growing more and more and taking more and more life energy from you. Your immunity does not cope with the infection, you are nervous, afraid of the spread of this throughout the body, and think how to get rid of it.
Now imagine that the leader feels the same when the sticky follower sticks to him. In both cases, it helps to "cut off".
So in a relationship. The correct behavior after parting is to separate, separate from the leader. Physically. Psychologically. Geographically.
Pull yourself like a diseased tumor from another. And only then the leader will think about how to return.
You can return to the one who accepted the challenge and takes OPPORTUNITIES from the situation! And the snot does not pour tears all day long. Opportunities to pump personality after the break is always there! Everyone has. Not many people use it. Many pity themselves and refuse to accept reality.
You can return to the one who is identified, separated and is an independent figure, and not an interfering process. To those who do not doubt their strength to keep themselves from stickiness. He is addicted. From falling into an emotional hole, if suddenly something goes wrong. Nothing holds so much as detachment.
You can return to someone who is not dependent on this person and is not afraid that he will suddenly disappear, to someone who is simply interested in what is happening at the moment. From a slave state, this cannot be done.
Designation of their borders and their retention without merging.
It means doing the right thing again.
After all, what is the reason for the incorrect actions of the slave partner? He says “I love” and immediately begins to rebuke, blame, ask for something, wait. As soon as he honestly said “I love”, his pain, his hunger, his longing made itself felt right there. The leader, it seems, turns to face the follower, but then he receives it.
But as soon as the follower accepts, as a guide to action, the fact that it is impossible to blame the departed partner and ask him for something, he immediately set boundaries between them.
He does not ask for another, does not require, and, therefore, does not invade his borders.
But this is not enough. It is necessary to physically leave, that is, to fully indicate your own independence.
Do not stay near “silent reproach”, do not wait for something, do not hope, do not try to explain and convey something. Do not name or write.
And even if the leader is active - do not blame, do not press, do not ask, do not burden claims. Everything. You are an independent person, you remain within your borders, and you yourself deal with your problems.
Unfortunately, many make a mistake and call them former in order to explain that they no longer want something with him, and therefore. Forgetting that their opinions were not asked! And thus they only make themselves worse by provoking the presenter to even greater contempt.
But if you do not rush, do not flog the fever, then the behavior of the led partner, who suddenly regained his borders, becomes a hook for the leader. The channel turns in the direction of the slave. The host, not even that, begins to give energy to the follower. The image of the follower in the eyes of the leader becomes attractive again.
And the denser the slave sits within its borders, the more chances the slave has to become a full-fledged partner.
But there is one thing. If the follower is seduced by the leader’s small handouts, and constantly crawls out of his borders and violates the strangers, then a couple of such returns is enough for the leader to leave and not return.
Therefore, if the follower is trying to regain self-esteem, he should not be led on cheap handouts of the leader.
No need to fantasize that the host’s handouts are like “Hello! How are you? ”Or a smiley is more than trying to probe the soil for“ Hey, are you here? ” Isn’t he dead? ”
I repeat once again. Slipping away. For any question, smiley or like - slipping away. Fear of not answering, keeping silent, not answering right away is the same addiction. The desire to answer and thereby give the presenter certainty is not an understanding of how weak your position is. The desire to be accessible to the host at any time of the day is the belief that you can somehow influence him by such behavior.
Instead of whining and self-pity, the slave must engage in pumping his resources. Direct energy to what was abandoned during the relationship. Hit the job, learn new things that did not reach your hands, go travel. Find an ALTERNATIVE to your former relationship.
An alternative to a relationship would draw borders between two former partners.
An alternative is to force it to release energy. And that means taking her from her former partner.
Многие поесть не могут в состоянии разрыва, не то, чтобы найти для себя новое и интересное дело. Но именно это нужно сделать. Через силу. Самая простая альтернатива – спорт. Ничего не нужно выдумывать. Надеть кроссовки и бегать.
Многие, очень многие считают Эго чем-то позорным, не нужным, мешающим жить, борются с ним всевозможными способами, только бы не проявлять себя. Считать себя самым последним человеком не земле.
Я же придерживаюсь другого мнения. Эго – это наш самый лучший друг. It is the Ego that does not allow us to become psychological slaves (although not all). It is the Ego that protects us from our crazy mind, from the pressure and influence of society. From conflicting desires, from imposed passions.
Only by manifesting the ego does a person become attractive and harmonious. And only by beginning to manifest the Ego, a person can return the relationship.
So what to do if the comeback has gone through the full cycle and the person who quits speaks of love and offers a serious relationship. It's up to you.
If there is enough internal resource, if you are sure that you will not slip back into dependence - try it.
There is a high probability that the leading one and the leading one, that sooner or later will regain its position, and you will again find yourself in a situation of breaking up relations.
There is also the possibility that the shock of leaving the follower became so strong that he worked very well on manifesting the ego, and then the relationship continued in balance.
Everything will depend on the actions and conditions of the former slave.
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Make him come back by himself
If you think that everything is lost, that everything will not be the same as before, you are mistaken. It is very difficult to cope with emotions. Do not despair. Much can be fixed, returned. To do this, you need to do something. There are several ways to bring to your attention how to return a guy, or how beautifully to apologize when you feel guilty.
Many girls do not know how to control their own emotions. Often it happens that they say and then think. As a result - scandal, jealousy. It is worthwhile to calmly relate to many things and evaluate them objectively.
But if you still gave vent to your own emotions, and a quarrel has occurred - do not rush to go to reconciliation. Sit down and calm down. By the way, the best way to calm down is to do some useful work. For example - cleaning (I do it myself). And you can walk, observe people, what surrounds you. In fact, everything is in our thoughts, and as we configure ourselves, so it will be.
Only when you have calmed down start to think about reconciliation. If you love a person and want to return him, then you should not wait for his apology. Take the step towards reconciliation yourself. In a relationship, sometimes you need to step over principles, pride and do everything so that you are happy together.
To make it easier to understand, take a piece of paper and write on it in two columns - who made the most mistakes. Be honest with yourself. And the result will be predictable. Conclusion: managed to quarrel, manage and make peace.
If you find it difficult to come up and say "I'm sorry," then write to your soul mate. It sometimes happens that writing is easier than saying. We suggest apologizing in an original way. Then your half will simply be forced to return to you.
- The first way: find on the Internet a beautiful romantic card that will express your feelings, and send it by e-mail. Alternatively, you can draw something yourself (if you know how to do it). Make it better when he is at work. Believe me, somewhere in the depths of his soul he too is experiencing your disagreement and does not find a place for himself. This is where your postcard will help him. She will certainly cheer him up. He will calm down and be sure that everything will work out. By evening, he will already be bored, and look for a meeting with you.
- The second way: write SMS. But what is it to write to a guy so that he returns? Go for a little trick. Write the words from your favorite song together with which your best memories are connected. This will raise so many emotions in his soul that he will definitely want to see you soon.
- The third way: write what he will answer you for sure. The start of negotiations is the right path to reconciliation. But if no answer came, write him something else pleasant. And if he answered, then most likely he liked it, and he is waiting for the continuation. Please his sms. You will see, he will answer. And that means he will be back.
And now to your attention a few tips on how to avoid misunderstandings in a relationship.
- Learn to wait. We must take into account the fact that each person needs a different time in order to rethink, understand and forgive everything. Be patient. Give him the opportunity to calm down and weigh everything. When the time comes, he himself will contact you. Here and show your love and affection. Tell him how you missed him, how difficult and bad without him. Believe me, he will appreciate it.
- Learn to Prevent Quarrels. If you often quarrel, try to figure out what is the reason. Perhaps this is a distrust of each other or something else. Remember, it’s better to immediately find out the relationship in a friendly conversation. The most important thing is to decide everything together, take into account the opinion of your partner.
- To give in to your beloved. Even if you understand that he is wrong - agree with him. It will be better this way. Be cunning. After all, you can always pick up a moment to convince him of his innocence. Give him arguments, he will agree with you.
- Be able to conduct a dialogue. When the quarrel still flared up, try to reduce the “tone”. Let him speak, do not interrupt, and then express yourself. Then you will both hear each other. Then you need to talk about the problems. Arrange with your beloved that during a quarrel, everyone can pronounce a stop word that you will come up with in advance. As soon as one of you uttered the coveted word, both should be silent for a minute. Then you can continue. As practice shows, nobody wants to scandal further.
- Always talk about problemsthat have arisen in your relationship, and calmly resolve them. If you remain silent, then the problems themselves will not disappear, they will become more, and then it will be more difficult to fix something. Problems need to be addressed as they become available.
And finally I want to say. The most valuable thing in a relationship is love. It is important that there is trust and understanding. But if you want to get it, you yourself must trust and treat your beloved with understanding and respect.
In order not to look for ways to make peace, do not create a reason for this. Everything, as they say, is in your hands.